HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
