I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My vagina is officially offended.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
