she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How does one acquire holy water?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
