I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
