I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
