UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
