Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
