I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
