"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
