is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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