it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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