I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
