Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
