Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
