dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
