god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
