You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All the doctor said was why
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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