So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how do flat chested girls get laid?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
