oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
