I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
