So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
