the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
