He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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