and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
