Only a mothe r could love this liver
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
