He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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