no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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