meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
