Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
