If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
