a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He told me they were just razor bumps!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
