i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
