remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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