Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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