just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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