In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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