I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
