I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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