just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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