I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Randomize
