When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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