why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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