My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
