someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
its not stalking. its research.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
