I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
