my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
