oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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