remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Buhtt sex?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
