did you get engaged???
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
