I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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