cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
