we have pet lesbian snakes
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
