You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
